JOKES

Gator

Een patron (Danish)

K�debrev: ADVARSEL!!! VIRUS!!!  (Danish)

Windows 98 - READ ME FIRST

How to Impress A Woman And A Man Respectively

Offentlig kaproning (Danish)

Du ved du er et fordrukkent svin n�r...  (Danish)

*** Finally the source code of Windows 98 has been cracked

Gator

A small East Florida Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time Florida Gator intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most Gators, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any hairy female.

So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Ed showed som interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her. "Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Ed. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks ..."

Een patron

Der kom en mand i en v�benforretning og spurgte efter en kikkertsigte. Ekspedienten tog den fineste kiggert frem og sagde til manden: "Pr�v den her og kig ind ad vinduet i huset overfor..der bor jeg!".

Manden tog kikkerten og s� over til huset, s� sagde han: "Det var m�rkeligt, der render en n�gen kvinde og mand efter hinanden i huset overfor!". Ekspedienten rev kikkerten ud fra hans h�nd og kiggede, han blev rasende og tog et gev�r, monterede kikkersigtet - og sagde: "Det er min kone og min bedste ven, der render n�gne rundt!

Her er min bedste kikkert og min bedste gev�r, det er dine hvis du skyder min kone gennem hovedet og skyder min bedste vens nosser af!" Manden t�nkte lidt over tingene og sagde s� ja til opgaven.

Ekspedienten gav ham gev�ret og to patroner. Manden tog gev�ret og sigtede gennem kikkertsigtet og sagde:" Jeg tror nok at jeg kan n�jes med een patron!"

K�debrev: ADVARSEL!!! VIRUS!!!

Hvis du modtager en e-mail med emnet "hallo", slet den omg�ende, UDEN at l�se den. Dette er den farligste e-mail virus til dato. Der er tale om en Trojaner, som vil slette alle data i bootsektoren p� din harddisk.

Ikke alene det, den springer p� evt. l�se disketter, som bare ligger i n�rheden af din computer. Den har indflydelse p� thermostaten i dit k�leskab, s� sm�ret smelter og letm�lken skiller. Den afmagnetiserer dit Dankort, sletter dine videob�nd og forvr�nger lyden p� alle dine CD-er.

Den giver dit nye telefonnummer til din ex, putter k�lerv�ske i akvariet, drikker al din �l og lader sine sure sokker ligge p� sofabordet, n�r du skal have g�ster. N�r du er ved at komme for sent p� arbejde, gemmer den dine biln�gler og l�gger en d�d rotte i din madkasse.

"Hallo" vil f� dig til at stemme p� Dansk Folkeparti eller et af de andre Fremskridtspartier. Uanset k�n vil du forelske dig i Pia Kj�rsgaard og f� mareridt om kvinder med baller p� n�setippen.

Den vil ogs� h�lde sukker i din benzintank, barbere dine �jenbryn af, alt imens den har fr�kke aftaler med din nuv�rende ven/veninde bag din ryg og foretager uh�mmede indk�b med dit VISA kort.

Den vil forf�re din bedstemor. Det er ligemeget, om hun er d�d. S� kraftig er denne virus, at den r�kker ud i det hinsides og besudler det, som har st�rst v�rdi.

"Hallo" kan flytte din bil rundt p� P-pladsen, s� du ikke kan finde den. Med din stemme vil den l�gge slibrige beskeder p� din chefs og Pia Kj�rsgaards telefonsvarere.

Den er snigende og farlig og frygtelig at skue. Den har ogs� en ret interessant lilla farve. Den giver dig elmesyge og sl�r aldrig toilets�det ned.

"Hallo" vil fors�ge at fremstille amfetamin i dit badekar, alt imens den steger bacon i k�kkenet, som den s� glemmer alt om for at race ud og jage gamle damer med din nye selvk�rende pl�neklipper.

Dette er bare nogle f� af symptomerne, s� pas p�!!!

Den optr�der selvf�lgelig kun sammen med e-mails i almindelig tekst og uden vedh�ftede filer. Det er jo dem, der er de farligste, men det ved ethvert sp�dbarn forh�bentligt.

HAVE YOU YET TO UPGRADE TO WINDOWS '98 ???

If you do, here's a preview of the READ ME FIRST page: Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.

A) Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty.

Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (c).

You'll notice immediately that * "98" is a higher number than "95," * a better than 3 percent increase, but that's not all:

Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, (if there are any of course). Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box.

Most importantly, Windows 98 (c) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.

Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.

Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser OTHER than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways and in 12 different languages; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed- permanently.

Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000. However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa."

Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.

We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with you software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)

If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats. Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c).

How to Impress A Woman and A Man Respectively

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... etc

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked..... with beer

Du ved at du er et fordrukkent svin n�r:

• Du fors�ger at b�rste noget v�k fra skulderen, og opdager at det er gulvet.
• Dine venner ringer og sp�rger dig i et bekymret tonefald om du er kommet godt hjem, og om du har afleveret geden.
• Der findes belastende fotografier af dig, som du intet erindrer om.
• Det bliver en fast vane at ringe til v�rten for den sidste fest og undskylde det der skete med akvariet/bornholmeruret/hunden/vinduerne.
• Du er n�dt til at knibe det ene �je sammen blot for at se dobbelt.
• Du nogensinde har ligget p� fortovet og udsk�ldt den idiot, der stod og tr�dte p� din h�nd, blot for at opdage at det er dig selv.
• Du husker svagt at have spist lakrids-pizzaer aftenen f�r, og opdager senere, at nogle af dine LP'er er forsvundet.
• Du nogensinde er kommet fuld hjem, opdaget din tomme seng, og ringet til alarmcentralen og sagt: "Hj�lp, jeg er blevet bortf�rt!"
• Du v�gner om morgenen, liggende p� dit stuegulv, mens din hund slikker dig i ansigtet, og du t�nker: "Jeg har da ikke en hund".
• Du kan falde ned af en trappe uden at spilde noget af din �l.
• Du ser frem til at kaste op, fordi du s� kan drikke videre i et par timer mere.
• Du v�gner med s� voldsomme t�mmerm�nd, at du er oprigtigt bange for at d�. En halv time senere �nsker du, at du virkelig var d�d.
• Din definition af alkoholmisbrug er n�r folk spilder deres �l.
• Dit m�blement indeholder mindst to tomme �lfade.
• Du tager en �l med dig, n�r du skal ud at kaste op.
• Du g�r �dru i seng for f�rste gang i m�nedsvis, og v�gner s� frisk og veltilpas, at du fejrer det ved at drikke dobbelt s� meget som normalt.
• Du h�rer svage r�b: "For Guds skyld, vend ham rundt, ellers d�r han som Jimi Hendrix!".
• Du kan dr�be insekter og mindre pattedyr med din �nde.
• Der st�r p� dit k�rekort: "�jenfarve: Blodskudte".
• Der st�r p� din l�gejournal: Blodtype: Mindst 1,5 promille.
• Du f�r sj�ldent mere motion end turene til k�leskabet og toilettet.
• Din hund angriber dig hvis kommer �dru hjem.
• Du giver fingerkys til forbik�rende �lvogne.
• Dine drukture plejer at slutte n�r du bliver for fuld til at ramme munden, foretage synkebev�gelser, eller at sidde ned uden at falde ud af stolen.
• Du plejer at reservere en seng p� skadestuens udpumpningsstue inden du g�r p� druk.
• Du har tr�net dig til at lande i afl�st sideleje n�r du besvimer.
• Du anl�gger sk�g for at opfange �lsjatterne der render ud ad mundvigene.
• Du er p� fornavn med samtlige vagthavende i detentionen.
• Du v�gner i et fremmed hus, og vakler ud for at finde et morgenv�rtshus, og opdager, at du er i et fremmed land.
• Din morgenmad best�r af sjatterne fra aftenen f�r.
• Din chef ringer hver aften til dit stamv�rtshus for at sp�rge om udsigterne til at du kommer p� arbejde n�ste morgen.
• En betjent prikker dig p� skulderen og siger:"Du kravler den forkerte vej. Din lejlighed er i den retning".

*** Finally the source code of Windows 98 has been cracked:

/*
     TOP SECRET Microsoft(c)  Code
     Project: Chicago(tm)
     Projected release-date: Summer 1998
     Original version date : Aug 1994
*/



#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"

#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];


void main()
  {
     while(!CRASHED)
     {
         display_copyright_message();

         display_bill_rules_message();
         do_nothing_loop();
         
if (first_time_installation)
         {
             make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
   
          do_nothing_loop();
             totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
             search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
             hang_system();
         }
         write_something(anything);
         display_copyright_message();

         do_nothing_loop();
         do_some_stuff();
         if (still_not_crashed)


         {
             display_copyright_message();
             do_nothing_loop();
 
            basically_run_windows_3.1();
             do_nothing_loop();
             do_nothing_loop();
         }
     }
     if (detect_cache())
         disable_cache();


     if (fast_cpu())
     {
         set_wait_states(lots);
         set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
         set_mouse(action, jumpy);
         set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
     }


     /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
     /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
     printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
     if (system_ok())
         crash(to_dos_prompt);
     else
         system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);


     while(something)
     {
         sleep(5);
         get_user_input();
         sleep(5);
         act_on_user_input();
         sleep(5);
     }
   create_general_protection_fault();
}